Parenting

A Father’s Perspective on Foster Care

February 22, 2014

Our journey with foster care…

1) Started out with my wife dragging me into it. There’s always a dragger and a draggee. I’m thankful for the tug though, we would have missed a huge blessing without it.

2) After the first 48 hours I thought we made a major mistake. Why aren’t they more gracious than this? Don’t they know we’re on their team? Ha! Here’s a quote, “I’ll grab his neck, you get his feet!”

3) Normal parenting strategies DO NOT work. They took my incentives and consequences, rolled them up, lit them on fire, and threw them back.

4) Love is really tested. Yesterday, one of our girls was playing in our neighbor’s flowerbed. After a couple failed attempts at redirection, I picked her up and she slapped me in the face and screamed at me. In that moment, I can fuel her rage by reciprocating her emotion, or absorb it and calmly but firmly give her consistent correction without losing connection.

5) Empathy and frustration can coexist. We have cried many nights as we prayed over them. In four short years, their little lives have experienced unimaginable abandonment and pain. Their night terrors reveal a level of fear and rage that we can’t understand.

6) Growth isn’t linear. We’ve seen amazing progress in a short period of time, but there have been quite a few setbacks too. You get comfortable and start to coast, you’ll wake up to clogged toilets, a kitchen table covered in shampoo and a smile that implies your test has begun.

7) There’s nothing quite like seeing them come alive! We’re starting to see the little girls God created them to be coming out from behind the crazy behaviors. A truly beautiful sight!

8) It’s ok to have your heart broken. In fact, it’s probably a requirement if you’re going to open your life enough to become a conduit of healing.

9) Our kids are a few years older and are learning a great deal about sacrificial love, compassion, parenting, and the importance of inconveniencing yourself for others. They each say they’ll be foster parents when they’re adults.

10) We’ve needed good friends and good resources. We couldn’t do it without a strong support network. Karyn Purvis’s books and DVD’s are at the top of our list for resources.

11) The church is God’s foster care system. It’s not a debatable topic. The only time the phrase “pure and undefiled religion” is used, it’s followed by, “take care of the widow and orphan.”

The only time the phrase “pure and undefiled religion” is used, it’s followed by, “take…

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12) I don’t regret it for a minute! We love our girls! It took a little longer for me than Bonnie, but they now have a place in my heart and always will.

Parenting, Spiritual Formation

How to Speak Words of Life Over Your Children

February 17, 2014

One of a parent’s highest jobs is to accept and bless their child’s unique and God-given identity. A parent’s daily prayer should include, “God, help me see the man/woman you are calling forth in my son/daughter and give me the grace to help name it correctly.” Such a practice is called “the blessing.” As parents, we are raising up adults, not children, who will hopefully know God and know who He has created them to be.

In the book, “The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance,” Dr. John Trent and Gary Smalley write, ““A flower cannot grow unless it has the necessary elements of life. Every flower needs soil, air, water, light, and a secure place to grow (one where its roots are not constantly being pulled out). When these five ingredients are present, it is almost impossible to keep a flower from growing. The same thing is true when it comes to the basic elements of the blessing.”

A family blessing has five elements:

“A family blessing begins with meaningful touch. It continues with a spoken message of high value, a message that pictures a special future for the individual being blessed, and one that is based on an active commitment to see the blessing come to pass.”

-Meaningful touch

-A spoken message (words of life)

-Attaching ‘high value’ to the one being blessed

-Picturing a special future for the one being blessed

-An active commitment to fulfill the blessing

In what ways have you found great opportunities to speak blessing into your child’s life?

Parenting

3 Ways to End Sibling Bickering

February 12, 2014

Our kids in the 10th hour of a 12-hour car trip!

My wife Bonnie and I were talking on the phone the other day, and it was hard to talk over the bickering that was blasting from the back seats. “Wow,” I said, “they’ve really developed some bad communication habits.” She laughed. “Communication habits!? They fight non-stop!” She decided to do some research. Here are a few things she found that brought a little mini-van heaven.

Be a thermostat rather than a thermometer

The source of bickering actually starts with us. Kids are sponges. As parents we have to model peaceful presence and healthy conflict resolution skills. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18). Are we modeling a peaceful presence or an anxious one? Both transfer easily without a word spoken. It’s good to start with a self-inventory and make sure that we are modeling a peaceful presence to our kids.

Give individual time to each child every day

Spend at least 10 minutes of uninterrupted time with each child. Take turns choosing the activity. The goal is simply connection. It will serve as a “release valve” for your child if a strong attachment is there. It’s good to remember that we can’t deal with correction well when there are gaps in our attachment. Here, I draw from a principle that is often applied to marriages: weak attachment rather than poor conflict skills are the source of our problems. A child who feels love and significance is generally more cooperative and open to your redirection. As you keep pouring into their “love banks,” you will help deflate the need to get attention in negative ways.

Start a “compromise jar”

Enlist them into the change process. Positive incentives and behavioral reinforcement have their place. Here’s a good one! Whenever we see our kids arguing over something that they should be able to resolve, we remind them that if they work together to solve it, we’ll put a coin in the compromise jar. At the end of the month, they get to decide together how to spend the money. Our kids are saving up to spend an hour at our local trampoline park. Sometimes we have to intervene and help shape the process, but we do so as little as possible. If one child is undermining the process, he or she has to “invest in the fund” from his or her own spending money. Our kids have done remarkably well with it. It’s cut off many of the fights at the pass. When the children complain, we simply remind them of the compromise jar, and they get busy working on a solution.

Any other ideas? Please share!

Parenting

Praying With Your Child

February 12, 2014

I find that many parents are at a loss on how to pray with their children. Our goal should not be simply intercessory prayer—to pray for our children. Instead it is to help pray with them and help them connect to the Lord.

Here are four ways to pray with your child:

Praying Blessing

I have memorized this prayer in Ephesians 3:16-19:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I paraphrase it somewhat, but the idea is to pray that my children would be firmly grounded and rooted in God’s love and that He would strengthen them in their innermost being. What a beautiful vision of what we want for our children—that every deficit and void would be filled with God’s deep love. Make no mistake, there will be voids! Thankfully, though, we serve a God who stands in the gap where we have failed.

“God, I pray that You would ground and root Elly deep in your love. Fill every void and deficit. We thank You for the gift of her life and the plans You have for her. Help her to know You and to know who You’ve created her to be.”

Get to the Root

There’s a great phrase in 1 Timothy 1:5: catharsis cardia, a “purging heart.” At the end of the day, as you put your children to bed, you can guide them through a prayer of “releasing and replacing.” Here, it’s okay for your children to engage their imaginations as they pray. One of the main goals of prayer is to get to a place of utter receptivity before the Lord. We do this a couple ways with our kids. We tell them to imagine their hearts as a garden and to ask Jesus to show them how it’s doing. We ask, “Are there any weeds that need to be uprooted?” and say, “Ask Jesus to show you the condition of your heart.” Our kids have seen tornadoes, dead trees, snakes, etc. These have represented fears, worry, rejection, and pride. Once they see something that needs to be dealt with, we ask Jesus to get rid of it and put something good in its place. It’s absolutely amazing to see how well kids connect to the Lord through prayer.

Release and Fill

I need to say a couple more things about the process of “releasing and replacing.” It’s important to model and teach healthy forgiveness. Each day, you can guide your children through the process of repenting and forgiving. Let them pray in their own words. “God, I pray that you would forgive me for…” After they’re done, remind them that God forgives our sins and ask them, “Can you receive God’s forgiveness?” Then allow them to pray in their own words something like this: “God, I forgive ________for __________.” You will need to give more guidance at the beginning, but they will catch on pretty quickly. “Help me to see them the way you see them.” If they need to forgive someone for something pretty serious, you can put your hand on their heart and pray, “God, please heal their heart and fill the void that has been left here.” We will ask them to imagine the pain going to the cross of Jesus and have them ask Jesus to give them a picture or word. Again, you’ll be amazed how well your kids will connect to the Lord.

Truth and Lies

Many times our children are buying into a lie that they are not even aware of. For instance, one of our daughters was struggling with self-confidence and becoming too self-absorbed. As we started to pray one night, I asked her to ask Jesus what lie she was believing about herself. Once she was able to see the lie, she was able to ask the Lord to help her see herself as He did. As you can imagine, it completely contradicted the thoughts that were leading to depression and insignificance. Her face lit up as she received God’s gift of identity. We want to make sure we cut all lies off at the pass and allow God to replace them with His truth. Life and death, blessing and cursing are always before us. We need to be attentive to our kids’ hearts and help them connect to the Lord, who is our giver, sustainer, and redeemer of life!

Any recommendations or questions about praying with children?

Parenting

The One Thing You Must (Not) Do When Disciplining

February 12, 2014

“Shame on you!” Have you ever heard that phrase? We were at Busch Gardens recently, and a young boy next to us was having a meltdown. His father was extremely frustrated and started yelling at him, “Is this really who you are? You’re such a baby. Shame on you!” The father had good intentions. He was trying to motivate his son to make better choices. The subtext of his comments was, “This isn’t who you are; this decision runs contrary to who you are.” That’s not what his son heard, though.

The one thing we must not do when we’re trying to discipline (‘disciple,’ ‘teach’) our child and our emotions are starting to red line is to shame him or her. Shaming a child is a common, oftentimes instinctive, but also highly destructive form of discipline.

Here are some examples of shaming:

The put-down or name-calling: “You’re such a baby.” “You’re so selfish.”

Moralizing: “Oh, I thought you were a good girl. Good girls don’t do that…”

Comparison: “Why can’t you act more like your sister.” “None of the other children act like you do.”

What’s the real danger of shame?

Shame is a word that almost defies definition. Its root word means “to cover.” In the Scriptures, you’ll often find the verb “to cover” in front of the word “shame.” Psalm 109:29 says, “May my accusers be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.” Psalm 34:5 says, “Those who look to the Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.”

Shame is a covering.

It is also one of Satan’s deadliest weapons because it paralyzes you. It insulates you from God’s grace. You might hear about God’s grace, even believe it’s possible for others, but not you—you’re dis-graced, which is a synonym for shame. You’re immune to God’s attempts to redeem and heal your past. You’re protected from the truth of His word, shielded from God’s blessing and calling on your life.

To understand the damage of shame in parenting, we need to look deeper than the goal of good behavior. If we think the punishment “worked” because it changed what the child was doing, we’ve severely limited our view of healthy discipline. It’s important to distinguish shame-based conformity with morally-motivated behavior. A child might have “good manners” and be highly compliant, but it could be coming from a toxic source: fear and shame. Two common responses to shame are self-hatred and rebellion.

What are some good alternatives to shaming responses?

Look below the behavior:

Behavior is a form of communication for kids. They will often act out what they can’t verbalize. What’s the real issue that needs to be addressed? How can the needed correction take place without losing the connection?

Clear, consistent, and understood boundaries:

Respectful boundary setting implies a strong statement about you, as opposed to a negative statement about the child. Address the issue, affirm their intrinsic goodness, and speak into existence what you want to see changed.

Model:

Grace and shame occupy the same space. One drives out the other. When we live by grace, we become conduits of it. The same is true for shame. Ask God to reveal any shame that is keeping His grace from reaching your heart. Ask Him to help you distinguish His voice from all other voices—to discern truth from lies.

Newer Posts

A Father’s Perspective on Foster Care

How to Speak Words of Life Over Your Children

3 Ways to End Sibling Bickering

Praying With Your Child

The One Thing You Must (Not) Do When Disciplining

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