Life has a way of deadening our emotions. Pain and disappointment chip away at our childlike enthusiasm and hope until our most common feeling is simply “numb.” Remember as a child how you lived unencumbered by all that weighs you down today?
There was no morbid self-consciousness. There wasn’t a trace of timidity. Your head and heart were connected and you weren’t jaded, disillusioned, or bitter.
If your child is smart, the worst thing you can do is tell him! Most parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart–85% according to a Columbia University study. Our assumption is, “If kids think they’re smart, they’ll try harder and perform better.” However, extensive research over the last 15 years suggests that it can actually backfire.
In the movie Parental Guidance, the paternal grandparents come to visit and discover that the kids never engage in a competition where they could lose. “It would damage their self-esteem.” The grandparents protest, “No, it’s how they learn!” Recent research sides with the grandparents: excessive praise and protecting children from moderate amounts of failure and pain can hinder growth rather than foster it. Continue Reading…
What do you think is a greater predictor of success in life–a high IQ score or the ability to delay gratification?
In the late 1960’s, a researcher named Walter Mischel conducted a simple experiment: A child is seated at a table in a small, empty room and the researcher places a marshmallow or a cookie on the desk in front of him and says, “You can eat it now, or, if you can wait, I’ll go and get you another one.” Mischel and his team conducted this experiment on hundreds of kids and have followed them throughout their adult lives. Continue Reading…
Divorce is not a single change, it’s a series of changes that parents need to guide their children through. Divorce is second only to death in the degree of stress it creates and the time required to adjust to it. Parents face a myriad of issues when it comes to co-parenting and often struggle to find a peaceful dynamic between the two homes.
Here are some proven strategies described in Putting Children First that can help children deal with the changes that a divorce sets in motion…
Co-parenting is a conscious choice, made every day, where you must continually keep your child’s best interest in mind. That sounds easier than it is–parents can quickly become overwhelmed by their own emotions and needs. One thing I hear from kids is, “I feel invisible.” It’s also easy to lose sight of the long-range view when it comes to the other parent. It may be terribly difficult but fostering a good relationship with the other parent is not a favor to them, it’s a lifelong gift to your children.
Kids want both parents. So, forgive the past, accept the new normal, pick your battles carefully, set aside your personal feelings and as far as it depends on you, live at peace with your ex.
It’s easy to justify involving kids in marital disputes. You can easily feel a need to “set the record straight,” but involving kids in your conflict has profound negative consequences on them. I often hear, “I know they both want me on their side.” Managing your emotions and not dragging kids into the conflict helps lower the stress they face.
Parents and kids see divorce differently at first–parents view security as two pillars that are separated but still intact while kids see it as an impenetrable wall that is breached. An important message to communicate to your children when you are in the midst of separation or divorce, is the reassurance that your love for them is the kind that will last forever. When kids feel safe and they anticipate your receptivity even if they know you might not like what they have to say, they will begin to really talk about how they feel.
Most kids know their parents are suffering and they often hide their true feelings. Emotions can be overwhelming and confusing and it’s often easier to bury them rather than express them. You have to find developmentally appropriate ways for your children to communicate their feelings where there’s no fear of rejection. Try to acknowledge their feelings, (“I know it’s hard to have different homes”), give them smooth transitions and chances to acclimate, show love through your eyes, and express genuine interest in their feelings.
When kids see their parents taking good care of themselves, physically and emotionally, it conveys security and confidence that their needs will be met.
What about discipline strategies?
“All feelings are ok, all behaviors are not ok.” Parents will need to help kids develop an emotional vocabulary to express their feelings, or the permission to draw them if they’re young. A 10-year-old once said, “It seems like the bad feelings have to come out first before the good ones can come in.” Parents will need to be attentive to what the behaviors are communicating and remember that behavior is a form of communication. The Latin root for the word discipline means, “to teach” rather than to punish. There may need to be consequences, but punitive steps aren’t always educational.
How to create a “new normal” between two homes?
The best scenarios I see have these ingredients:
Try to avoid two disconnected worlds, get together with a mediator or parenting coordinator if you need help to develop similar expectations in each home.
It goes back to putting the child first.
There are many factors that make these decisions difficult, but when they’re consistenly applied, they will greatly help children deal with the changes that a divorce set into motion.
“Do you think it’s ok to spank?” “Of course,” I said. “Really!? You’d spank our baby girl?” Hmm. It was our first conversation about parenting styles and we quickly realized how different our experiences and expectations were. She was a student of “love and logic,” and I was a student of “tough love and do what you’re told.”
We had a long way to go to create a unified presence where our strengths and weaknesses complemented each other. Here are a few things I’ve discovered about merging parenting styles…
There isn’t a “one size fits all” approach to parenting but it’s also true that not all parenting styles are as equally effective. My favorite way to think about parenting styles is with a simple 4-quadrant graph that describes the relationship between the level of nurture and structure we give our kids.
Children need high structure and high nurture. It’s helpful to look at this graph and try to identify ways that you can increase your level of nurture or structure.
It may be a simple extension of our parent’s strengths and weaknesses or an attempt to offer our kids the exact opposite of what we experienced.
Parents will often try to compensate for deficiencies they perceive in their spouse by exaggerating the style that comes most natural to them. The most common dynamic is between the authoritarian and permissive parent.
Starting with the work of Diana Baumrind in the early 60’s, developmental psychologists have studied the impact of parenting styles on children. Many websites now detail these findings.
Talk about your experience as a child and how it shapes your parenting style. Be open to growth. Acknowledge your differences and try to understand and combine your strengths and weaknesses toward the best interest of your child. In our home, Bonnie leans more to the nurture side and I lean more towards structure. We both try to learn from each other but also lean on each other’s natural bent. Sometimes, I can be harsh and Bonnie will remind me of the bigger picture and the importance of connection. Sometimes, I’ll see her nurture bordering on unhealthy insulation and she’ll trust me to push them in ways that make her uncomfortable. Keep talking, reading, reevaluating, and praying constantly for your kids.
When you see your spouse parenting in a way that you disagree with, address it respectfully and privately. Kids can detect any break in the lines and will exploit it!
Develop a nightly routine together with your children. For some reason, kids love to talk at bedtime. Give space for connection by asking questions, listening well, and praying with your kids.
Here’s a good book for further reading: How We Love Our Kids.
Wesley Furlong is the founder and director of City of Refuge (refuge.life), a network for community transformation and the director of Church Development for the EVANA Network, an evangelical Anabaptist network of churches across North America.
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