“This could go terribly wrong.” Every faith journey comes with freak-out moments where the familiarity of the present feels far more appealing than the uncertainty of what lies ahead. In the days leading up to our transition, I turned deeply introspective and thought, “What if our kids hate the area?” “What if the job doesn’t work out like I hope?” “What if this is that moment in the film when everyone gasps and thinks, “Why would he go through that door!?” Continue Reading…
How do you make the right transition, to the right place, at the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way? The question itself is fear-inducing enough to stay where you’re at, isn’t it? Continue Reading…
Our oldest daughter is about to turn 13 and we’re crossing new bridges at an alarming rate. She got a phone today, is at a sleepover tonight, and there have been quite a few times lately where we’ve had to say, “Hold on! We’ll get back to you on that one…” Fortunately, we have some great friends and mentors who have traveled this road and are able to help us.
These recent conversations have led me think about the question, “What have we learned so far?” Here’s a shot at the best we’ve read and discovered up to this point…
Choose connection before correction
Healthy correction rides on the tracks of healthy connection. If there’s not a healthy connection, our attempts at correction will default to power, fear, or manipulation and break trust rather than build it.
Discipline over Punishment
Discipline means to “teach.” Punishment means “to inflict damage” or “rough treatment.” Give re-do’s. It’s ok to say, “Try again with respect.” Kids need to get in the habit of good form, which takes lots of practice.
There’s no ‘quality time’ without quantity
Children learn when they’re ready, not when we’re ready to teach. They speak when something is on their mind, not when we’re ready to listen. You can have quantity without quality (present but inattentive), but you can’t have quality without quantity.
Consistency matters, good intentions don’t
Kids are incredibly perceptive and detect inconsistencies like cookies in the oven. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and walk your talk.
Pray often, daily!
Pray with your kids. Pray for your kids. You’ve been entrusted with the most incredible gift in the world and you need God’s strength and wisdom. “God, help him to know you and to know who you’ve created Him to be.”
Great parenting isn’t intuitive
Each child, each stage requires a separate learning curve. There’s no one-size-fits-all, but there is timeless wisdom and great principles that can be applied with discernment.
Look below the behavior to the heart
Behavior is a form of communication. Try to attend to the deeper message.
Say yes when possible, apologize when necessary, and explain why when asked
Each of these three can be difficult, but they help keep your connection with your child strong.
But say “no” when necessary too
Be a great parent, not a great friend. Connection is critically important, but there may be times that you have to care enough to risk their rejection or misunderstanding. When such times come, stay there like the Prodigal Father–always waiting, hoping, and praying for their return, ready to welcome them back and celebrate!
Hold open conversations more than one-way lectures as much as possible
Be quick to listen, slow to anger, and slow to speak. No one takes advice or correction well from someone they think doesn’t understand them or refuses to listen.
Two more things…
Laugh a lot
Well-timed humor and light-hearted play are boosters for connection. They can also drop the temperature in stressful situations or times of correction.
Start a bank account for their future therapy:)
Face it, no matter how hard you try, your parenting will never reach perfection. Work hard, remain humble and motivated to grow, but be gracious with yourself, and trust God to fill in the gaps.
Blog, Healthy Relationships, Marriage, Spiritual Formation
If You Want Growth in Your Marriage, Get Better At Conflict
October 5, 2015
Relationships grow through healthy conflict, but growing through conflict has become a lost art. We need to learn to view and engage in necessary conflict as Jesus did, “full of grace and truth.” How do we do it?
Force yourself to sit in the “Awkward Chair” Continue Reading…
Blog, Spiritual Formation
9 Transparent Truths From My First Ten Years of Ministry
September 26, 2015Ten years ago this week I started my first full-time job as a pastor at Cape Christian Fellowship, here in SW Florida. At the time, I thought it was going to be a short detour before completing my education and moving on to fulfill other dreams.
God had a different idea. Instead, we fell in love with this church and embraced God’s call to put down deep roots in this city. I came in with great confidence, and a perfectly polished “philosophy of ministry” that had received an “A” and was ready to be field-tested. Ha!
The months and years ahead would be a time of great undoing. There were moments when I agreed wholeheartedly with critics and thought, “It’s hopeless.” Yet it’s at the place called “bitterness” (Exodus 15:22-26) where we truly meet Jehovah Raphe, God our healer. It’s at that place of undoing, that place when we’re searching for fresh springs of water and finding none —that’s where discouragement and self-pity turn into a living faith and the miracles start to happen.
As I think back over these last ten years, here are a few things I’ve learned that I didn’t know or fully appreciate when I started…
1. LOVE people!
Love people, not according to what they deserve or how you feel about them, but as Jesus has loved you. Elevate others above yourself, give away the credit, be long-suffering when they disappoint you, and don’t allow yourself to become jaded or put up walls when they bite you…keep loving!
No matter what you do, love people!
2. Peaceful presence!
Maintain a peaceful presence in the face of uncertainty and crisis. Leaders are thermostats, not thermometers —your ability to move from an anxious to a peaceful presence will help displace the toxic emotions that plague groups.
3. Grow through conflict!
Become an expert in conflict transformation. Never be defensive. Die to yourself. Pride is the ultimate defeater of spiritual growth and insidiously masquerades in the name of truth. A humble posture and peace-making skills are requirements for Christian leadership.
4. Establish a productive and life-giving rhythm!
Be highly intentional and proactive with your time. Find a model that works with your personality and be disciplined within it. Keep a Sabbath, schedule retreats, and know yourself well enough to know when you need to withdraw to a mountaintop. Advance in the stages of prayer and maintain a posture of receptivity to the Holy Spirit, living Coram Deo (before the face of God).
5. Live a life worth imitating!
Leadership is undeniably biographical. Make sure you embody well what you want to see in those you lead. No program or system can compare to a vision that has fully captured a leader’s heart. It’s highly contagious! You don’t need to separate your devotional and teaching life, just insist on being the first student of everything you teach. Practically, a life worth imitating also includes being a contagious optimist and an active listener.
6. Spend a lot of time with just a few people and include time for non-Christians!
The internal needs of a church can become all consuming. If you give your time to the tyranny of the urgent or to whoever knocks first, you won’t experience much fulfillment. Follow Jesus’s model with people (3-12-72) and make sure you’re personally participating in the Great Commission and leading people to Jesus. If it’s been a long time since you’ve led someone to faith in Christ, make it a matter of prayer and thoughtful reflection.
7. Lean into the pain!
Sam Chand once said that one’s leadership potential is in direct proportion to their threshold of pain. Here’s why: Growth requires change, change requires loss, and loss requires pain. We hit painful walls that force a self-inventory: is it worth it? Can we endure? We either decide it’s not worth it or we press through and allow “perseverance to finish its work.” (James 1:3) This is immensely helpful and highly encouraging when you hit those moments when everything in you wants to run away. Resist the desire to be accepted and understood by everyone, find the hard truth in even the most malicious personal attacks and criticisms, and refuse to make major decisions when you’re in a pit. That’s where the gold comes from!
8. Be accountable!
Leadership can be lonely if you let it be. Bring everything into the light, confess your sins, and invite some trustworthy friends to hold you accountable to specific areas of concern.
9. Be gracious with yourself!
God is gracious with you! Accept yourself as the Scriptures teach and reject envy, self-loathing, and introspection so that you can ultimately forget yourself and get on with the work of Jesus. Grace is God’s currency, it simply means “gift.” It’s the root word for forgiveness, talent, and gratitude. Give and receive it all the time, especially when it’s hard.
Why nine, not ten?
Ten just feels too neat, too tied off. In reality, things are never exactly as they should be. Resources are limited, expectations go unmet, and it just doesn’t play out like you imagined it in your head or drew it on the whiteboard. Nevertheless, Jesus builds His church! …Sometimes through us, sometimes despite us, but never according to our power, always by His Spirit!
